How about Unforever?

  You know, if I would have stopped and broken down the word committment, I would have realized the root of the word -commit- as in lunacy, committed for life.  Unfortunately, when the rose colored glasses of hope and trust are on, one does not think too straight.  Had I known then what I know now, I am pretty sure I would not have walked down that aisle.  I would have done what I came within an inch of doing, which was running to my car and taking off like a bat out of hell and headed to California's mountain country.  I sooo nearly just did that.  To this day I don't know what made me walk up that aisle.  I don't care what pple think about me that much, not in that way.  I really just don't know why.  Well, yes I kinda do.  Dad (my ex-convict father who liked to abandon his family) had me by the arm, and in a stupid way, I wanted to show him that I was not like him.  I know he felt my hesitation when the music started and I did not walk up, and when he saw me looking toward the exit, he tugged on my arm slightly and I allowed that gesture to let years of burden rise up in me and say that I will be better than you if it kills me.  Apparently I can be stupid that way.   No apples falling close to that tree.   No time for a do-over.  Pshhhhh.  Faith don't fail me now.

Flying high.

  "I like the way sparkling earrings lay against your skin so brown."   -The Eagles.  Peaceful, easy feeling.   Yes, I can FEEL it.  Perhaps that line from a song I heard so many years ago is part of the reason why I like long, sparkly earrings.  Its a part of what makes a woman eye-catching and don't all women want to be irristibly desirable?   That is what makes marriage such a hard pill to swallow.  Human relationships require so very much effort and time, with little satisfactory result.   Finding a little diversion in music is good.....       
  Its a good thing life keeps moving.  There is a new challenge every day, a new thing to occupy the mind. 

I know and I don't know

   Good luck finding me if you wanted to talk.  I done checked out and went to my happy place.  The plan is to stay there for awhile.  The problem with an overactive conscience is just that- overactive.   I would love to turn it off and do what I please without it nagging me and ruining any sort of pleasure or fun.  Its an overactive sense of guilt is what it truly is.  Wish I could go thru life not caring about anyone or anything, but instead am prisoner to potential or imagined damage in everything I do or say.  Guess I am an easy "mark".   In a easier mental world,  I could say "to h-e-double hockey sticks with it".   Its like I am jewish or something.  Except, that for all the talk about a jewish guilt complex, I have yet to meet a jew who cares about anything other than themselves and their pocketbook and how the rest of the financially well-heeled world views them.  But my train of thought just derailed.   Yes, happy place coming up, right around the bend...:) 

Falling off the stage

   Its a weird title I know.  Its misleading on purpose.  Because we fall in life, sometimes in very public ways, sometimes in ways that only we know.  Life is a stage, and we are our own worst critic.  I "fell of the stage" today.  I am messed up on the inside and am so very aware of it.  We are all messed up, and are so adept at hiding what is truly going on, because so many hypocrites are ready to tear us up into bits at the slightest hint of vulnerability.  So I am going to get a nose stud.   Makes perfect sense to me....  I know who I am, I think a nose stud is pretty.  I like shiny accessories.  Lots of conservative pple and family will judge me, but I am no different, just have a nose stud.  Thumbing my nose at pple just like me.   I love the irony of it, and it will be a reminder of some very painful lessons I have been learning lately.   DO NOT EVER judge a book by its cover.  When others judge me, (as they will once I have the nose stud)  it will serve a very practical reminder to love, love, love.  Maybe even establish some common ground with some who I would have even less "in common" with.  Its all good.   Or rather, God is good.   He is at the core of life, no matter how hard I try to deny Him that truth.  He is so patient with me.  Thank you God.   Now to call the piercing studio.  I love all this. 

How I love life

    When I move from state to state, it is with apprehension, excitement, a sense of anticipation, and a willingness to learn.  There is a little fear of the unknown, a wee bit of self-doubt, a modicum of debating the wisdom of the choice.  I have moved several times between states and it is not ever easy to do.  I have endured my father going to prison for nearly 5 yrs.  I have lived in my in-laws  house for 6 months as a freshly married-and-pregnant woman.  I have had 4 surprise pregnancies and 5 homebirths.    There are many more major details of my life that are unnecessary to share, some that are consequences of my actions, most other "details" are not, but ALL have been difficult. 

   The one thing I have learned well is that few things are as difficult to recover from than emotional turmoil.  Even when my head says to let it go and move on, the hurt from betrayal, or the sting from other pples' unforgiveness, or being constantly misinterpreted and misaligned from oversensitivity -it just takes its toll after a while.   No one is made with an iron heart, no matter how much we might want it so.  We all hope for some sort of normalcy and security within close friendships.   When close friendships, or family relationships take a dive for the worse, it is not an easy thing to pick up and walk away from.   God has always been good and what I have learned is that no matter who it is, or where the hurt comes from, or how badly my heart is hurting, there is Someone who loves me. 

   When life is just crappy and I am tired from all the little things piling up, God will not turn away when I need to talk or cry.   For all the times that my bad choices turn out an equally bad consequence, He will still turn into something beautiful.  I guess what the end of it is is He is my hope.   I don't have alot to bank on for the future here.  Never have.  Its alright.  There is nameplate bearing my name on a gorgeous mansion in heaven.  I really hope the mansion is  built into the side of a mountain.   that would make me really happy.  :)  That is how I love life,  I know that it is not all there is.  There IS more. 
  
  

I sorta apologize. Sorta. :)

  I don't know if anyone reads my blog.  I didn't start it meaning to be a journal, yet it seems to be that somehow.  I just need an outlet.  I apologize for boring you, but no one made you read it, so (shrugs shoulders).... walk away if you don't like it.  I am not going to pretend that I am very creative, like some friends who just ooze creativity and are so proud of it.  I don't know what my talent is.  I like writing, but who really knows what the standard of "good writing" is?  Today is Fat Tuesday.  Just the sound of that makes me want to go for a walk.  It will be a while till I have the ambition to run again.  I was just getting good at "pushing thru the wall" and running for a distance when I got pregnant with boy # 5.  Now I just feel uninspired.  Yet, I am so glad that life is what it is.  I need to do some work, do something I feel good about accomplishing.   You all have a great day.  Be blessed.

What About Today?

               I will be, am today, learning to be grateful     

  I want a view.  Daises, meadows that can be seen when I peak over the edge of this beautiful mountain that resides in my dreams.  I want to run carefree into the woods, on a winding path with mossy edges.  I want to sit still and watch as the deer and small creatures explore and nibble and perhaps chatter with each other.  I want to feel a chilly breeze as I watch high above the flowing rivers and still canyons below.   This is my dream,  a simple life full of nature.   
   If I had only summer as my season, I would not fully appreciate it.  Without the dreaded winters in this dreary place, I would have no dreams or longings of the beautiful artistry in forests and mountains.   I will be thankful for the blah of November to March.  I will choose a heart of joy in the yuck of mud.  This  is not my home!  There is a place of warmth and light and beauty above my imagination somewhere far from here, but yet it is not far.   
   Jesus come soon, we are all weary of life.  We are yearning for the perfection of your resting place.  I am lazy in this request.  Please give me the strength to do that which will bring laughter and joy to your ears.  I need help with this.  I thank you for all  you do.  I thank you for hearing me and caring enough to put up with me and more.  I thank you for the bleeding hands that hold the scales, but hold them with the mercy side full.   Love you. Thank you.  Hold my arms up to you.

Remind me

  This is what reminds me of what I really am  
I don't say sorry in the right way, from an altruistic heart
I claim to forgive, in Jesus' name, from an imperfect motive. 
I want to save you from yourself, but for my benefit.  

 This is what reminds me of what I really am
I say that I love you- but really, I desperately want you to love ME. 
I claim devotion to the Highest Holy One, but chase after darkness. 
I spend time in good deeds, but still like thinking -I did this.

  This is what reminds me of what I really am 
If you can save me from myself, you must be the Almighty. 
If you can forgive my millions of selfish deeds, you are Mercy. 
If you still love me despite the ignored opportunities to serve, you are Holy beyond understanding.   

  This is what reminds me of who You really are. 
Jehovah-Jireh, my provider.  You who hold the scales in your bleeding hands.  
The Master Architect of a home in Paradise.  The Maker of mountains, and
Giver of Strength for the same mountains.  You carve out valleys and plains.   
You installed trees and plants for beauty, and meadows for enjoyment.  
You who are love made all of us,  You who are love, made me.  I call to you in thanksgiving 
I praise you in sincerity, I cry out to you, in uncleanness, and YAHWEH makes me new.

Peace

   The solitude that comes from knowing that for now, all is well.  
   The confidence in realizing no accusation can arise. 
   The serial joy of satisfaction from being in serenity with the people in the present, from the past and those   potentially in your future.  
   So that we can say in fullest honesty- It is well with my soul.  
   Delightfully Heaven on earth, if it could only be.

Its good.

   I like to hear your thoughts, I like to hear your dreams, I like to hear how the excitement of this life has not died within your soul.  
   If I could give a penny for every depressing thought, I would be drowning in copper oppression.   
   You are an inspiration, don't ever stop being who you are, a person who sees the grandeur of Gods plan and refuses to look down.   Learning from each other, trusting in the value of humanity, each precious to the God-father. 
   There is beauty in everything, scratching, no-digging- beneath the surface.  We see that which we perceive.  I see you and the shining beauty of your sacrifice -it inspires me. 
   I love you for who you are, love you for the good grace in your actions, love you for the example you have been.   Thank you- you are the best kind of friend.

When everything is nothing

       If I could have it my way, it would be nothing.  
  it would fall away before it even reached my soul     
       If the truth were to be real, how would you dare?         
  it would not even be the beginning of a thought.               

        If we would all love, not presuppose,      
   imagine the depths of joy everyone could know.  
         Bound by our insecurities, assumption of importance, 
   all kidnapped by such worthless fears.    

        Could it be we were made for more?  
   Paradise is what we imagine free of our contempories. 
        cherishing each other for creation, no more of 
   assuming judge and jury.    

        I will not play this game no more  
  you do not know what you think you know  
       If you will do what is truly right,   
  we will not have to fear from each other. 

my kind of audioslave

                             My Turn                                             
 I like running in the wind because it doesn't remind me of anything.  I like reading the posts of my old boyfriend because it doesn't remind me of anything.  I like sitting crosslegged breathing still cause it doesn't remind me of anything.  The things that I love, the things that I lost its all gone, so now everything doesn't remind me of anything.              
  I like watching the clouds of rain because it doesn't remind me of anything. I like listening to the chorus of angels because it doesn't remind me of anything.  I like taking the pain out of memories because it doesn't remind me of anything.   The things that I love, the things that I lost its all gone, so now walking alone doesn't remind me of anything.         
  I like the smell of gasoline because it doesn't remind me of anything.  I like swinging under an tall oak tree because it doesn't remind me of anything.   I like running through the weeds at night because it doesn't remind me of anything.  The things that I love, the things that I lost its all gone now, so thunder and swirling leaves don't remind of anything.               
  I like churches with steeples because it doesn't remind me of anything.  I like sitting under the pine trees because it doesn't remind me of anything.  I like driving aimlessly to destinations unknown because it doesn't remind me of anything.  The things that I love, the things that I lost, its all gone now, so the dark doesn't allow me to forget. ~