When I move from state to state, it is with apprehension, excitement, a sense of anticipation, and a willingness to learn. There is a little fear of the unknown, a wee bit of self-doubt, a modicum of debating the wisdom of the choice. I have moved several times between states and it is not ever easy to do. I have endured my father going to prison for nearly 5 yrs. I have lived in my in-laws house for 6 months as a freshly married-and-pregnant woman. I have had 4 surprise pregnancies and 5 homebirths. There are many more major details of my life that are unnecessary to share, some that are consequences of my actions, most other "details" are not, but ALL have been difficult.
The one thing I have learned well is that few things are as difficult to recover from than emotional turmoil. Even when my head says to let it go and move on, the hurt from betrayal, or the sting from other pples' unforgiveness, or being constantly misinterpreted and misaligned from oversensitivity -it just takes its toll after a while. No one is made with an iron heart, no matter how much we might want it so. We all hope for some sort of normalcy and security within close friendships. When close friendships, or family relationships take a dive for the worse, it is not an easy thing to pick up and walk away from. God has always been good and what I have learned is that no matter who it is, or where the hurt comes from, or how badly my heart is hurting, there is Someone who loves me.
When life is just crappy and I am tired from all the little things piling up, God will not turn away when I need to talk or cry. For all the times that my bad choices turn out an equally bad consequence, He will still turn into something beautiful. I guess what the end of it is is He is my hope. I don't have alot to bank on for the future here. Never have. Its alright. There is nameplate bearing my name on a gorgeous mansion in heaven. I really hope the mansion is built into the side of a mountain. that would make me really happy. :) That is how I love life, I know that it is not all there is. There IS more.
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