Birds and rain

  I love the storms.  I love it when everything in the outside atmosphere is in that state of unrest and on the edge of erupting into a magnificent display of whirling leaves and dust.  The smell of rain approaches, the strength of the wind and cloud movement is just awesome to behold.  In a world where everyone is texting constantly, and annoying me with their attachments to media and electronics, the outdoors and its lack of expectations is something I appreciate greatly.  I love the simplicity of just being and watching life unfold, no hurry, no have-tos.  The birds are a lot smarter than us.  They chirp to tell each other, "Watch, its going to be an outdoor movie".  They chirp and sing when the storm is done.  They don't worry about other birds' size of nest, they don't compare life and judge.  They simply just are and are happy with the worm they are eating now.  
It is drizzling now, the end  of a storm.  I like the chill in the air, it feels refreshing.  Its good to clean out and wash our "dirt" out every now and then.  Get our souls clean.  I have been dealing with the realization that nothing is constant.  Friendships and family relationships are just as stifling and non-satisfying as all other relationships.  There is no one on whom I can really depend on.  Not here on earth.  Which is just as well. 
It is disappointing though.  I thought I had a friend for life.  I have moved around all my life, some of it not by choice, some from circumstances that compelled us to move.  I was stuck in a religious movement for many years (raised in it) that does not foster or harbor deep relationships.   That particular cult pits pple against each other in the name of religion.  God-though set up as the ultimate authority is given great LIP service, but rarely do pple in that cult actually learn to love and give as He does.  I am still learning and will always be learning how to act like Him.  I am so far from  perfect. He is very patient with me.  I have a very delicate sense of trust and don't open up  easily.  So when I do and am shot down as has happened over and over in my life, you just start to shut down when conflicts arise.  Religion is the beginning of much wrong in the name of whats right. I really just want to move to another place and start over.  Let sunshine on my heart as well as my face.  Fresh beginnings.  I look forward to heaven.  PPle are not so overly sensitive and there is no judging of one another. 

How about Unforever?

  You know, if I would have stopped and broken down the word committment, I would have realized the root of the word -commit- as in lunacy, committed for life.  Unfortunately, when the rose colored glasses of hope and trust are on, one does not think too straight.  Had I known then what I know now, I am pretty sure I would not have walked down that aisle.  I would have done what I came within an inch of doing, which was running to my car and taking off like a bat out of hell and headed to California's mountain country.  I sooo nearly just did that.  To this day I don't know what made me walk up that aisle.  I don't care what pple think about me that much, not in that way.  I really just don't know why.  Well, yes I kinda do.  Dad (my ex-convict father who liked to abandon his family) had me by the arm, and in a stupid way, I wanted to show him that I was not like him.  I know he felt my hesitation when the music started and I did not walk up, and when he saw me looking toward the exit, he tugged on my arm slightly and I allowed that gesture to let years of burden rise up in me and say that I will be better than you if it kills me.  Apparently I can be stupid that way.   No apples falling close to that tree.   No time for a do-over.  Pshhhhh.  Faith don't fail me now.

Flying high.

  "I like the way sparkling earrings lay against your skin so brown."   -The Eagles.  Peaceful, easy feeling.   Yes, I can FEEL it.  Perhaps that line from a song I heard so many years ago is part of the reason why I like long, sparkly earrings.  Its a part of what makes a woman eye-catching and don't all women want to be irristibly desirable?   That is what makes marriage such a hard pill to swallow.  Human relationships require so very much effort and time, with little satisfactory result.   Finding a little diversion in music is good.....       
  Its a good thing life keeps moving.  There is a new challenge every day, a new thing to occupy the mind. 

I know and I don't know

   Good luck finding me if you wanted to talk.  I done checked out and went to my happy place.  The plan is to stay there for awhile.  The problem with an overactive conscience is just that- overactive.   I would love to turn it off and do what I please without it nagging me and ruining any sort of pleasure or fun.  Its an overactive sense of guilt is what it truly is.  Wish I could go thru life not caring about anyone or anything, but instead am prisoner to potential or imagined damage in everything I do or say.  Guess I am an easy "mark".   In a easier mental world,  I could say "to h-e-double hockey sticks with it".   Its like I am jewish or something.  Except, that for all the talk about a jewish guilt complex, I have yet to meet a jew who cares about anything other than themselves and their pocketbook and how the rest of the financially well-heeled world views them.  But my train of thought just derailed.   Yes, happy place coming up, right around the bend...:) 

Falling off the stage

   Its a weird title I know.  Its misleading on purpose.  Because we fall in life, sometimes in very public ways, sometimes in ways that only we know.  Life is a stage, and we are our own worst critic.  I "fell of the stage" today.  I am messed up on the inside and am so very aware of it.  We are all messed up, and are so adept at hiding what is truly going on, because so many hypocrites are ready to tear us up into bits at the slightest hint of vulnerability.  So I am going to get a nose stud.   Makes perfect sense to me....  I know who I am, I think a nose stud is pretty.  I like shiny accessories.  Lots of conservative pple and family will judge me, but I am no different, just have a nose stud.  Thumbing my nose at pple just like me.   I love the irony of it, and it will be a reminder of some very painful lessons I have been learning lately.   DO NOT EVER judge a book by its cover.  When others judge me, (as they will once I have the nose stud)  it will serve a very practical reminder to love, love, love.  Maybe even establish some common ground with some who I would have even less "in common" with.  Its all good.   Or rather, God is good.   He is at the core of life, no matter how hard I try to deny Him that truth.  He is so patient with me.  Thank you God.   Now to call the piercing studio.  I love all this. 

How I love life

    When I move from state to state, it is with apprehension, excitement, a sense of anticipation, and a willingness to learn.  There is a little fear of the unknown, a wee bit of self-doubt, a modicum of debating the wisdom of the choice.  I have moved several times between states and it is not ever easy to do.  I have endured my father going to prison for nearly 5 yrs.  I have lived in my in-laws  house for 6 months as a freshly married-and-pregnant woman.  I have had 4 surprise pregnancies and 5 homebirths.    There are many more major details of my life that are unnecessary to share, some that are consequences of my actions, most other "details" are not, but ALL have been difficult. 

   The one thing I have learned well is that few things are as difficult to recover from than emotional turmoil.  Even when my head says to let it go and move on, the hurt from betrayal, or the sting from other pples' unforgiveness, or being constantly misinterpreted and misaligned from oversensitivity -it just takes its toll after a while.   No one is made with an iron heart, no matter how much we might want it so.  We all hope for some sort of normalcy and security within close friendships.   When close friendships, or family relationships take a dive for the worse, it is not an easy thing to pick up and walk away from.   God has always been good and what I have learned is that no matter who it is, or where the hurt comes from, or how badly my heart is hurting, there is Someone who loves me. 

   When life is just crappy and I am tired from all the little things piling up, God will not turn away when I need to talk or cry.   For all the times that my bad choices turn out an equally bad consequence, He will still turn into something beautiful.  I guess what the end of it is is He is my hope.   I don't have alot to bank on for the future here.  Never have.  Its alright.  There is nameplate bearing my name on a gorgeous mansion in heaven.  I really hope the mansion is  built into the side of a mountain.   that would make me really happy.  :)  That is how I love life,  I know that it is not all there is.  There IS more. 
  
  

I sorta apologize. Sorta. :)

  I don't know if anyone reads my blog.  I didn't start it meaning to be a journal, yet it seems to be that somehow.  I just need an outlet.  I apologize for boring you, but no one made you read it, so (shrugs shoulders).... walk away if you don't like it.  I am not going to pretend that I am very creative, like some friends who just ooze creativity and are so proud of it.  I don't know what my talent is.  I like writing, but who really knows what the standard of "good writing" is?  Today is Fat Tuesday.  Just the sound of that makes me want to go for a walk.  It will be a while till I have the ambition to run again.  I was just getting good at "pushing thru the wall" and running for a distance when I got pregnant with boy # 5.  Now I just feel uninspired.  Yet, I am so glad that life is what it is.  I need to do some work, do something I feel good about accomplishing.   You all have a great day.  Be blessed.